the scar from the old (her)story

...because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me...
-kelly clarkson-

when you live with someone, unconsciously you would be more like that other person that you live with, and the other person would be more like you. you picked up that other person's behavior, things that he/she likes, the way he/she dress, and the way he/she saw the world, although perhaps you're not always agree with that other person, or things that you pick up were actually the things you hate about that other person.

i don't know why it happened. i guess it's the risk of living with someone too close.

today, while reading the love dharma book in the middle of the traffic jam in the middle of the hustle and bustle of holiday season in this suddenly crappy city, i realized that. the enlightment comes with the thunder of kelly clarkson's voice in my ear, and i suddenly wept.

i've changed. in a way that i don't understand nor consciously knowing. that i don't wear the same smile that i used to have nor i think like i used to think. i realized that i was never actually sit and be still, thinking about things that i did, things that i've been through, and how i get through it, that i just jump from one crowded life to another, and leave myself numb in the effort of survival. i was never let myself be alone. perhaps i think that if i am alone, i would break myself into parts.

and kelly clarkson sang her song so miserably that i cried along the song.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid