catatan perjalanan

pic: lotus pond at the bebek bengil restaurant

- jumat, 19 jan -

terdampar empat jam di bandara. the mood is melancholy. the air is dry and the sky is reddish blue.

melihat beberapa kejadian aneh. di bandara, tiba-tiba sebuah pintu gerbang ditarik oleh satpam ketika sebuah taksi hendak lewat. it reminds me pada investigasi di televisi yg diceritakan adikku tentang pungli pada taksi di bandara. taksi-taksi itu harus melemparkan uang pada satpam sebelum diperbolehkan masuk. satpam yg menutup gerbang ( gerbang tdk tertutup penuh, tp membuat taksi itu tdk bs lewat ) berkacak pinggang dengan muka puas. supir taksi terhentak. taksinya berhenti tiba-tiba. lalu dgn wajah geram, dia menancap gas, menabrak pagar dan membuka paksa gerbang dengan mobilnya, dan kabur. satpam hanya bisa melongo melihat debu yang ditinggalkan. aku tertegun, seolah baru saja menonton cuplikan film yg muncul dari dada Amerika.

the mood is melancholy here. bandara seperti sebuah tempat yang kesepian karena selalu ditinggalkan. koridornya kosong dengan hanya seorang pekerja yang duduk mencangkung. membuatku merasa senasib.

membaca sebuah tulisan ini, 'Allah pun ingin dirindukan sehingga dia menciptakan masalah padamu. Karena kamu terlalu sibuk merindukan manusia.'

dan tadi pagi, kerinduan itu muncul. Ketika manusia datang dan pergi, siapa yang tetap bersamamu kecuali Dia? kerinduan yang memunculkan perasaan sungkan. karena aku terus menerus mengkhianati-Nya.

the melancholy air. sepanjang jalan, dari bsm ke bandara, menonton armageddon aku tak berhenti mengusap air mata. cheesy movie...

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you’ll wait for me
hold me like you’ll never let me go
i’m leaving on a jet plane
don’t know when I’ll be back again
oh babe, I hate to go…

Tuhan, aku takut ditinggalkan…

- sabtu, 20 jan -

staying in the heart of kuta. in the hustling and bustling life of bali. it doesnt appeal to me the same way anymore. somehow all i want now is quietness.

untuk pertama kalinya ada di tempat ini sebagai turis. tinggal di sebuah penginapan sederhana di jalan legendaris di bali, the poppies lane. setelah pernah tinggal di bali selama dua tahun, memang tidak banyak hal yang bisa dilihat lagi. i just act as a guide. tapi poppies lane menawarkan sesuatu yg lain. i am befriend the shoe seller across the street (well, not after i bought four pair of sandals just for myself). i am befriend the internet guy in front of my inn, because i recognized his strange nusa tenggara accent (and i really think he's handsome, with strong face, dark skin, and his sad almost solitary mood). i got two frangipani trees from my inn's owner, and suddenly it strucked me that all i really want in this stage of my life is -the connection with other human being.

and with God. i don't know how Bali did it, but in this place where happiness seems abundance, and God is seems so irrelevant, the faithfulness of the hindu worshipper is never ceased to amazed me. why would a little girl bring a small gift to her god in a brisky morning and pray upon it without care the less about her surrounding? I wish I had the same eagerness and faithfulness. So i humbly sat down and pray to God, my God. Maybe we called it a different names, but i believe, it's the same God we are talking about.

- sunday, 21 jan -

somehow balinese is friendlier to me now, i dont know why. dulu aku selalu berpikir orang bali itu judes, but now they would throw smiles at me anywhere. it makes me feel so comfortable...padahal kalau dipikir, now, with the way i dressed, i scream out loud and clear to them about our differences...walaupun i never really thought they’re that different.

anyway, thank you for the smiles

- monday, 22 jan -

i guess now i have become more tolerable. well, I’ve never been a bitch, but from time to time, i always find some disagreement with something, dissatisfaction with everything, but now, i relaxed even more. When the tv didn’t work, i just laughed it loud. When the aircon is not cold enough, when the shower is not hot enough, when no coffee and tea by the time they should served it…

life is too short to worry, i guess..or maybe i am just blissfully ignorant.

- tuesday, 23 jan -

my last day of vacation in bali. spending last minutes of it on the beach. kuta, on tuesday, looks a bit deserted. the half moon paled in the sky, the cold wind and the loud music from a place called front bar. couples gazed down to the dark ocean from the dark sand.

no bob marley tonight. nor ebiet. past has become distant memories. lots of things dissapear. like neruda said, we’re, of this time, are no longer the same. i am, no longer the same.

it falls so heavy on me. bali feels like the gate of my past that i have to leave behind. like the cornerstone of my departure. i have to go, and have to leave everything behind. all the memories that i had must stay behind. because it will leaves me going nowhere. Because it will chained me forever.

i must start somewhere.

the air is dry, the wind is cold. no stars tonight. i just watch the dark ocean, felt completely empty, and sad.

and love is not the easy thing
the only baggage you can bring...
is all that you can't leave behind